i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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