Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
