so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
