just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
