He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
