Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
