you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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