Jerry, you need to find god
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
