You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
