We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
