Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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