I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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