Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
