I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
