Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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