I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize