I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
