glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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