I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
