Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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