What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
