road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
