I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
