So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
