I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
