just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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