the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
