Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize