We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
