Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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