I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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