Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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