i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He passed out mid-signature
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
