youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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