After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize