So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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