I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
