I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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