i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
