I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
