Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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