I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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