Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
