Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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