There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i think my cat just said my name.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
