If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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