Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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