I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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