if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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