I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize