Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
