I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize