I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
