How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
