And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
