I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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