I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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