How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I wish there were birth control emojis
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
