For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
