at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize