why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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