he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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